My last post was just to give an idea of the mindfucking that is going on during Hell Week, and the state of mind that the victims are in.

It's pretty serious.

One other insane game we would play was Kitchen Hockey. I think the older guys made that one up just for me. They knew the Pittsburgh Penguins had awarded me a scholarship, so they put a giant pot on my head, gave me an oven mitt for a catcher, and a soup ladle for a stick.

Then they put me in a regulation size net in my underwear, and starting shooting rotten fruit and vegetables at me. Every one that got past me, I had to eat.

Now, <insert Al Bundy rant about athletic accomplishments in younger days> SO YOU KNOW I GOT SKILLZ. I would actually make 10-12 saves on these street-hockey goons before a mushy apple would find the back of the net. Worked me up a sweat, especially when it was four shooters, no defenders, me in net. The time outs to eat the shitty refrigerator leftovers were welcome, as was the beer to wash them down with.

Finally, one of the guys brings down a semi-wilted onion, and rocketed it about a foot off the ground. Well-honed reflexes kicked in, and I attempted to shut the gap between my legs with the butterfly technique, dropping to my knees.

Well, you need pads and a cup to pull that shit off. The vicious vidalia succeeded in clipping the underside of my sack on the way into the net, and I responded by spewing prodigious amounts of chunder, all over the floor. The brothers were stunned, and one drunk yells, "YOU'D BETTER EAT THAT SHIT BACK UP!!" Silence.

Now, brothers can't disagree with each other during Hell Week: it breaks the spell, like when kids see Mommy & Daddy fighting. So the other guys were trying to figure a way out of it, like a different game or something. However, a good little pledge like me knew there was no escape from the Will of the Mob. Maybe being in my underwear, covered in bruises, had something to do with it.

Ugh. Before they could come up with a diversion, I ate all the fruit/vegetables for a second time and got back in the goal.

i am nasty

It was during Hell Week when I was pledging.

We are continually drinking, stoned, sleep deprived, subjected to isolation, loud music and strobe lights. The effect is downright hallucinatory. Constantly repeating chants and songs keeps your conscious mind occupied, and you're being forced through increasingly insane games to keep you continually exhausted.

Eventually, you get so screwed into a state of WTF that you would do anything: You might even eat poo.

 

!!!

I am ripped out of the 100+ dB closet, blindfolded, and dragged to the bathroom. My captors throw me on my knees in front of a toilet. I smell shit, sweat, and dirt all around. My 'big brother', whom I have observed being ridiculed/ostracized for doing a terrible job 'raising' me, is hurriedly whispering in my ear, while four of my disappointed nemeses scream in the other:

"REACH YOUR HAND IN THAT TOILET AND GRAB THAT TURD, MAGGOT!!" 'dude, you have to do it, we all had to do it, just take a bite and spit it out' "YOU'RE SHIT AND YOU'RE GOING TO EAT SHIT HAHAHA PERFECT ISN'T IT" 'i've got an apple right here, and a toothbrush, just take a bite and spit it out hurry up do it fast' "WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!! DO YOU WANT TO EAT TWO?!" 'don't let them make you eat two, Ogre is holding one in right now, they'll do it, just take the bite'

...until, adrenaline-charged, hackles-raised, and half-crazy, I SLAM my hand into the toilet and root around until I feel the hideously soft dooker rattling around in the bottom. I grab it, take a DEEEEEEEP breath AND JAM THE SHIT INTO MY MOUTH. OMG I AM EATING SHIT. My head almost explodes.

Cheers of victory all around, as I retch and puke into the toilet. My mouth, numb from hours of eating raw onions and lemons, is covered in butt-chunder. I want to wipe it away, but I'm being dragged off again by my arms. Finally, the taste begins to seep into my cracked lips and tongue.

Peanut Butter and Bananas. You Fuckers.